I Miss You Already…

I dreamt about you last night. It wasn’t the first time and I doubt it will be the last. You were happy in this dream. Settled in what resembled a new home by the sea. You were excited to show me your new bed. It looked so comfortable and the bedding was a pretty green, all fresh and clean. You took me to the window which overlooked a calm sea. There was a light breeze and it rippled across the horizon which is where I noticed your flowers bobbing. It was a nice touch really. I had wondered where your farewell flowers would get to. Your name that meant so much to us, made up of bright fresh buds. I worried it would get left behind or thrown away, but now I know it made its way to you eventually.

It was a good dream, a sort of closure, that told me you’re OK now… so unlike our last meeting that still makes my heart ache. As much as it pains me, I don’t want to forget it. I was running down the hospital corridors, haphazardly carrying rolls of birthday wrapping paper. Presumably for your 80th birthday presents that I never got around to finishing, wrapping and giving to you. Your birthday card still sits on the side, unwritten. Something that will bug me forever. Life just ran away with me, but I know you understood why. Where was I…oh yes, I was running down the hospital corridors which were closing in around me causing me to drop the rolls of paper. I was so close to where you were, but then I came to a dead end. Just as I was about to give up, it suddenly re-opened. I could hear you calling out. I ran as fast as my dream legs would carry me and as I turned the corner, there you were.

You were drowsy and a little delirious but as soon as I took your hand you looked into my eyes and said, “I didn’t get better did I?” I just stared at your peaceful face in silence, until I was abruptly taken away from you by the sounds of my sobs and heartbroken tears back in the conscious world. My hand was still warm and heavy from your grip. That’s how real our precious encounter felt. I lay there for some time, letting the tears take over whilst I cherished the feel of your hand. As the daylight hours creeped in, I knew our meeting would lose a little more detail, it’s crispness, it’s bittersweet rawness with each waking moment. No, you didn’t get better dear Nanna, but at least you’re not in pain anymore. I miss you already.

Up until this point, my mind has been blank and my heart a little numb since the moment I heard that you’d gone. I’m grateful that you got to meet Elsie at least once. I promise I’ll tell her all about her Great Nanna. Not many people get to spend 32 invaluable years with their grandparents. I did and I’ll always be thankful for that. I can’t remember what we last spoke about. I can’t remember what we last laughed about. But I do know you were the best Nanna a girl could hope for. I’ll never forget your smile, your laugh, the sound of your voice and the good times we shared. The childhood memories that you made so special and the love and support you showered me with into adulthood. Life just won’t be the same without you in it. I miss you.

I hope you’re resting now sweet Nanna. In your new home, by the sea.
I’ll see you again soon, in my dreams.

Until next time…

With Love & Goodbye Nanna,

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