Oh. My. Flamming. Sweaty. Betty. Goodness.
I’ve never been a fan of the heat. I vividly remember being very young and feeling ever so slightly cheesed off with long periods of uncomfortable heat and clearly it’s something that’s stayed with me. I just don’t like being too hot. It makes me unproductive and irritable. And it always, always, makes me wish I’d tried to shed some
pounds stones sooner. Which of course makes me even more annoyed about the whole heat wave thing.
So just when I think I couldn’t love the heat any less, now that I’ve become a parent, heat waves have taken on a whole new level of fun.
Almost three years ago, when I was eight months pregnant with Elsie during the summer, I think I cried on a daily basis. Being pregnant in the heat made everything in life that much harder and more painful. My hands and feet would swell over the course of the day and by the evening, nothing would come between me, my fan with my feet up in a dark room.
Then just last summer, having just given birth to Billie, it was like having a slimy chicken permanently attached to you. It made latching on even harder as she would be slipping and sliding all over the place just trying to clutch on to my boob. It wasn’t pleasant.
Now with a baby and a toddler in tow, I’ve quickly realised that small humans and heat are not a harmonious combination.
They just don’t get it.
As if being a small human who is struggling to communicate their bizarre emotions on an average temperature day wasn’t hard enough. Crank up the heat and they literally don’t know what to do with themselves. They don’t sit still for five minutes, which of course makes them hotter. All of your hard earned routines and feeding habits are tossed out the window and everyone is just
a little bit massively cranky and confused as to how to handle the heat.
7 Things About Small Humans & Heat Waves
They Want To Dress For Winter
Elsie has chosen this heat wave as the perfect time to learn how to put clothes on all by herself. Usually one would be praising this clever little milestone, but not when their choice of clothing is jeans, socks, jumpers and winter boots. I think I’m going to have to hide all of her non-heat-wave-appropriate clothing (as well as her duvet) until September to save her passing out in the heat dressed as a lost abdominal snowman.
They Turn Into Monsters
I know that I’ve produced two tiny Diva’s who make Madonna and Mariyah look like kittens. But wow, the heat sure does turn them into little monsters. It’s as if they morph into these beasts who are so frustrated with the world but they just can’t figure out why? And the only thing that will tame them is an ice lolly…
They Could Live On Ice Lollies
Ooh, ice lollies. The priceless summer bribe. Although they are quickly becoming a staple meal in our household and I’m tired and hot to care. You spend the best part of an hour in the kitchen. Cooking up a storm and sweating your arse off over some sort of nutritious meal. Just for the little cranky sproglett’s to refuse it point blank. But offer them an ice lolly? Oh, of course, they are all over a bloody ice lolly. The fruit ones count as one of your five a day, right?
They Over Touch
As if on a daily basis as parents we’re not over-touched as it is. All of those lovely snuggles and cuddles. The climbing on your back, hanging off your neck and trampolining on your lap kind of lose their appeal and your patience for on a scorching hot day. But we grin and bear it and fight off that urge to file a restraining order until the autumn because that’s what we do.
The Joys of Suncream
We’re terrified of sizzling our little sausages in the sun, but applying suncream is a task most of us don’t enjoy doing. If you’ve remembered to bring the suncream out in the first place, then you’re already Supermum. Yay! If you can catch your child quick enough to apply one arm before they do a runner again, you’re already onto a winner. Boom! If you can apply it to the whole body without a) them screaming loud enough for everyone within a ten-mile radius glancing over just to check that your child isn’t, in fact, being murdered. Or b) apply it without getting cream in their eyes, then you’re on fire. Most likely literally in this heat.
Everything Is An Effort
There’s no break from the heat. It’s too hot at home. It’s too hot out. Keeping them in the shade is impossible unless their game involves climbing on your back and clinging to your neck. Just for a change. With their temperamental heat infused attitudes it can be such an effort packing them up and taking them anywhere. You never know who will crack and have a meltdown first. You or them.
They Can’t Sleep
Now for two small people who have the worst track record when it comes to sleep, trying to get to get them to sleep and stay asleep in 30-degree heat just isn’t happening.
They are cranky all day because they are too hot and tired. They eventually fall asleep too late in the day. You then have to wake them from a heat-induced coma at 4.10pm. Bedtime rolls around and do they want to sleep? Do they fudge? They find every excuse under the sun as to why they can’t sleep. It’s still light outside, they need a drink, need a wee. They want their quilt back which you’ve had to hide because they don’t quite get that it’s their duvet that’s making them even hotter.
We’re just all so very hot and bothered and bloody sleepy…and then the day starts again and there’s still no blooming air. Yippee.
Ice lolly anyone?